Psychosis & Me
Psychosis is a scary world that separates you from reality. You can’t process what’s going on and certainly don’t remember much after. There is an energy, buzz, excitement and voices telling me that I can do anything I want to. It’s very confusing which results in remembering moments and snapshots amidst the flashbacks. It’s like doing a complicated jigsaw puzzle and trying to put the pieces together
So many questions = What happened ? … Why did it happen ? … What was the sequence of events ? What were the stressors and triggers to cause such a catastrophic break from real life ?
Psychosis doesn’t just happen overnight . It builds over time as anxiety increases, sleep gets regularly increasingly disturbed and stress levels reach a high pressure tipping point. It is unique to each individual but the main symptoms are :
- delusional beliefs
- believing things that are not real to be true
- hallucinations
- thoughts disordered
- jumbled up thinking
- difficulty in communicating
- high energy
I remember being very agitated, pacing around a lot because I had huge amounts of energy. I was manic, excited and totally overstimulated and started to unravel very publicly. I lost touch with reality both in and out of school & was very mentally unstable, not understanding what was happening & was in crisis. I felt detached and felt I was watching things happen without being part of it … I was the observer and the delusions were powerful. I had a sense of feeling that I was making and directing a film , that I was conducting a social educational experiment. I was grandiose, exhausted yet running on adrenaline and felt I was on a mission to complete my work before the end of term which was rapidly looming and would be x6 weeks before I saw my pupils again . School was breaking up and I was breaking down.
Clatterbridge Hospital Psychiatric Unit was where I was looked after, cared for & felt safe. I was on heavy anti psychotic medication including Haloperidol & Olanzapine and sedatives which numbed me and slowed me down both mentally and physically. It was traumatic for my family & close friends to visit me because they were asking questions I didn’t have answers for, conversation was awkward and we didn’t understand what was going on … all we knew was that I was safe there and in no fit shape to go to Switzerland on holiday with my mum !
For 15 years since I have struggled with flashbacks and fragments of painful memories. This is the first time I have been able to understand and finally process what happened, why and in what order. I have had constant flashbacks which start to unsettle me in the summer months and have repeatedly found the timeline and chronology of events very frustratingly difficult to get a grip of. I have repeatedly relived & then tried to bury what happened. It has been very isolating to be in denial, stuck in a mess that I couldn’t sort out by myself. It’s been painful but necessary to look back and manage to piece it all together. I still have gaps in my memory and perhaps I always will. However I now feel I have ownership of it and am not ashamed or guilty anymore. I will continue to piece it together and ask family & friends for their recollections of that turbulent time. Although it can still be a battle to get through some days I endeavour to try to not let the past haunt me. There is a way back no matter how long it takes … from breakdown to breakthrough … because now I have found my voice.
Contributing Factors & Stressors
- Alternative Curriculum end of term deadline
- Year 10 tennis GCSE exam pressure
- 6th form Leisure & Tourism revision powerpoint CD
- excitement about Wimbledon tennis
- Looking after Danni & Jo whilst Kim on Duke of Edinburgh camp
- taking Danni to Cheadle for Cheshire coaching
- Wirral Show
- Impending holiday with Mum to Switzerland
Phase 1 … July
Alternative Curriculum Co-ordinator
- July appointed 1st week july
- Cohort of Year 9 & Year 10
- Improve attendance / behaviour / academic achievement / less truancy & exclusions
- core curriculum delivered by experienced Heads of Department
- freedom for rest of time by me
- need to turn these kids back into regular school
- find a different way
Induction Process
- rewards based positive / points for achievement & behaviour
- safe base
- Powerpoint presentations
- laptops / computer access
- mini bus Wirral trips out of school
- mini breaks
ACE Base
- my desk
- pupils desks
- caretaker help
- lunchtime access
- social area
- tv
- laptop
- walls
Pupils / Parents / Senior Management Meeting
- powerpoint presentation
The Last Week of Summer Term
- Base stayed round the ACE base … not in the staff room
- Year 9 access
- Year 9 Borders trip Ellesmere Port
- Year 10 Alton Towers trip
Psychosis
- Year 9 £ borders trip
- film director
- social educational experiment
- sunglasses
- my £ money
- my family / Kim’s family / ACE pupils families
- Danni Cheadle tennis county coaching
Wirral Show
- looking after Danni & Jo / Kim away on Duke of Edinburgh
- meet pupils at show
- stayed at Kim’s / manic all night / walked to Caldy Hill
- walked to village £ magazines for ACE base
- couldn’t rest or sleep
- very irritable
- loads of ideas
GP @ Devaney Medical Centre
- Kim & her mum
- GP assessment
- voluntary hospital
- letter of referral
- psych assessment
- admission to psych ward
Phase 2
Clatterbridge Hospital / Psychiatric Unit
- heavy anti psychotic medication / sedated
- patients smoke room = stressful / noisy
- general social area = calm / quieter / friendly staff
- canteen
- cafe
- shop
- pool table
- tv
- fire alarm
- Kim visit
- Martin & Mum visit
- Pat visit
- mum Switzerland train holiday cancelled = guilt
Phase 3
- discharged from hospital
- went straight on holiday to Butlin’s with Kim, Danni & Jo and her mum
- back to school for new September term
- 1st day = Inset Day @ Leasowe Castle / very disorientated
- 2nd day = year 10 / very anxious / couldn’t focus = panic attack
- 3rd day = Year 11 / scared & confused = panic attack
- Couldn’t face school = panic attack
- signed off by GP = stress & depression
- referred to Education Occupational Health = Psych Dr Green & Sean Orford
- not AC co-ordinator / phased return to work / protected timetable
Burnout … Breakdown … Broken